20 of the Funniest Lines We've Found from Men's Online Dating Profiles

“I am an acquired taste, but finger lickin' good for the right lady."

“If you knew how much i love my dog you would want to meet me. I wish I could meet a woman who would greet me everyday like my dog. I'd love her just right, scratch her belly and make sure she got her shots.”

“How about a phone date for a first date? That way you don’t have to put on any make up, get dressed and drive anywhere and I don’t have to turn off ESPN.”


“Which of these are not true about me:
A. I love to go shopping.
B. I love a glass of white wine.
C. I have a cat.
Which of these would I like to be true about you:
A. I don’t shop, I just go to Amazon.
B. I love beer.
C. I am a Steelers fan.”

“Please get in touch if interested in good food, good times, culture, live music (most kinds, still can't enjoy hip hop), learning, growing, keeping active physically and intellectually. Oh, and I can't deal with Trump.”

“Cancer survivor, stand up philosopher, unemployed comedian, clairvoyant — can see into the past. Seriously silly, side-splittingly satirical, sarcastic, sardonic, snarky, sophisticated. Jocular, junk food junkie, jailed — never, ever. Law abiding, Harley riding, head shaving, steam-punk hunk, no pics of my junk, recovering redneck, pickup truckin' gent's gent.”

”All my pictures are a year old or less. Truthfully! A customer asked me why I put on glasses to read an order the other day. I told him how after 50 you can't read print without them. He said, "No way, you're over 50?" I gave him an automatic 20% off. ”

"UNIQUE FACTOIDS ABOUT ME
1. Don't own a smartphone or a car
2. I've never had a cup of coffee
3. I don't ski, text compulsively, skydive, golf, tennis, or hang glide
4. I'm not on Twitter, Viagra, Snapchat, Tinder, Axiron, Instagram, Pinterest, Vine, KIK, or LinkedIn
5. I've never been married, engaged, divorced, arrested, convicted, cohabited or ticketed for speeding
6. Have had plenty of therapy”



”BREAKING NEWS: Online Dating World Rocked BAY AREA: It was reported today by the “All the Good Men Are Taken Society", that an actual good guy has been released back into the general dating pool. Lousy jerks in the area were reported to have been stunned by this news and scrambling to prepare. A gentlemen by the name of "Plain Joe" suggested to all men "This guy raises the bar. It's time we all get our sh@t together" Woman have reacted in disbelief, but "gr8geye2016's" mom has substantiated the news and added “This guy is one hell of a catch!”

“Let's be real. Despite what is so often expressed here, sometimes a glass is half full, sometimes half empty. It's half empty after you’ve drunk most of it, and it's half full when you're halfway to filling it up again. Me, I'm inclined to say “Just keep it full!“

“I like to tell a woman that I make six figures a year, makes me seem wealthy when I'm really just the laziest guy in the toy factory.”

“First meeting guarantee: no ear/nose hairs, boogies, white socks with sandals or belches. No such deal with loud flatulence, as I have a condition—(joking!).”

“Ok CABIN FEVER otherwise known as I'm tired of winter and being home tonight means I have to take drastic measures into my own hands! I’m going out on a date this week either with someone or with myself so first one who takes me up on it, off we go! Seriously, first lady who says yes and I pick up the check.”

“You: 👩‍🏫🌞😂😘🤗🍷🎧✈️📚, 🐶 ❤. “

“I’d like to meet a woman who will smoke in my car, drop food in the seats, put eye makeup on in the mirror and tell me how to drive. Someone whose ex-husband calls her about five times a week to threaten suicide and has a 35-year-old son living in her basement”



“Ladies, I am allergic to cats. Let me say that up front. I have been online dating for a year and I swear to God as soon as a woman becomes single she’s given a cat. Don’t any of you own dogs?”

“I am not a serial dater but have had a few memorable morning trysts with Cocoa Pebbles.”

“If you reach out and I do not respond, thanks anyway and don't worry about it - you'll do better.”